Dress shopping, and the many, many ways it can screw you up

I can’t speak for the wedding industry anywhere else, but here in the UK it’s very, very focused on weight loss. There’s a reasonable assumption that you want to look your very best on your wedding day, coupled with an unreasonable assumption that a key part of this will be losing significant amounts of weight, and wedding magazines and websites are crammed with tips which range from the sensible to the downright irresponsible (like tips on how to distract yourself from hunger if you’ve adopted the ‘just don’t eat’ approach).

I’m aware that it’s a little bit hypocritical of me to complain about this, since I’m currently trying to lose weight. But there’s a fine but crucial distinction to me. I’m not losing weight for my wedding. Sure, I’d like to be at my goal weight by then, but if I’m not, I won’t give up. And I was losing weight before I got engaged – it’s not a crazy crash diet that I’ll forget about as soon as the wedding’s over.

But after dipping my toe in the waters of wedding dress shopping, I can sure as hell see why people go on crazy crash diets, because a whole host of factors combine to test your body confidence to the limit

• Wedding dress sizes seem to run very small. I know this is probably because they haven’t been subject to the rise in vanity sizing, but still… I’m a UK 8 on my top half, and none of the styles I tried on were fitted below the waist. I was a 12 in most styles, with a couple of 14s. I’m used to being a range of sizes because I’m pearshaped, and I make my own clothes so I understand old-school sizes, but I still found irrationally depressing.
• There’s only one sample of every style. If that doesn’t fit you, well, tough. Most of them were (small) 12s. There were a few 14s, and one 10 which wouldn’t go round my ribs. As I said, on my torso I’m an 8. The average UK woman is a 16. That’s an awful lot of people that particular shop was dismissing. It’s very hard to judge if a dress suits you if it’s two sizes too big, but it’s basically impossible if it won’t do up.
• You’re getting your kit off in front of total strangers. Some people might be able to get a full-length, multi-skirted dress on unassisted, but I’ve never met any of them. (Suddenly I understand why Victoria ladies needed ladies’ maids to help them dress…) The dress shop assistant will be seeing you in your bra and pants, and will be tutting to herself if the dress has trouble getting past your arse. (I had one lady who insisted that I step into everything, but then did this every time! If you’re that worried, drop it over my head instead, duh.)
• Something you try on is probably going to make you look like a hippo in drag. For me it was the fishtail skirted dress I picked up accidentally. I was able to console myself with the knowledge that the shape is specifically designed to add bulk to your hips… not something I need. But hey, the whole point of the process is so that you can avoid looking like a hippo in drag on the day itself, and surely that’s worth it? (If anybody is having a cross-dressing hippo-themed wedding (and somewhere, I’m sure somebody is…), I apologise for any offence given. I’m sure it’ll be lovely, touching and personal.)

I totally support anybody’s right to lose weight for a special occasion, but if you’re trying to be a size XX on your wedding day, start early. Be prepared for setbacks. And try not to let dress shopping get to you…