Reverb10: 2010 in one word

I've decided to try to participate in Reverb10, a blogging challenge which provides a prompt every day of December to help you to reflect on your 2010.

Today's prompt is 'One word'.

The one word I'd use to describe my 2010 is probably 'flux'. Lots of things have changed this year. Hell, almost everything has changed. I technically moved in with the Boy (as in I gave up the lease on my flat) on January 3rd. We got engaged. Most of our friends got married. I changed job. I've lost 30lbs.

Most of these changes aren't complete, though. Moving in together and engagement are steps on the way to marriage. And as I've said before, I don't feel like I've reached my happy forever weight yet.

So this time next year, the word I would like to sum up my 2011 is 'completion'. I'd like those changes which are still in progress to be finished and changed. I'd like to be married and at a happy weight, whatever that is.

If Scotland could win the Rugby World Cup too, that'd be nice. Unrealistic, but nice.

Betrayal?

Those of you in the UK may or may not be aware that a couple of weeks ago WeightWatchers launched a completely new plan. This isn’t one of the two-yearly revamps, which generally gave you the same system with a different name; it’s a total shake-up. Points are now calculated in a different way, using protein, carbohydrate, fat and fibre content. You get 29 of these new ‘ProPoints’ per day, plus 49 weekly points which you can use or not as you like. There’s been a lot of stories in the crappier sections of the British press about ‘the diet which lets you have wine and chocolate!’ (Because of course, that’s all women are interested in, isn’t it?)


In two weeks on the new plan (following it closely) I’ve gained 2.5 pounds.

Hmm.

I’m understandably not pleased with this.

While I’m all for updating the plan to match modern scientific thinking, I think it’s in need of serious refinement. When I started it I weighed ten stone and half a pound. I’m on 29 points a day. If I weighed fourteen stone (14 stone 2 (or 198lb) was my starting weight in 2002), I’d be on… 30 points a day.

You see the problem? A point is roughly 40 calories. There is no way that the food intake which allowed the 14-stone me to lose 2lb a week (the maximum that WW recommended) is going to let then 10-stone me lose weight. It’s not just me, either – while I’ve seen some good losses (3, 4, 5, even 6lb) reported in the first week of the plan, they’re coming from larger members. The WW message boards show a disturbing number of small, relatively light women for whom the new system really isn’t working.
This would be almost excusable if the plan were brand new – but it’s not. It’s been operating in Europe for some time now.

I suspect that pretty soon – after Christmas, to coincide with the public launch? – we’ll see the ProPoints allowances changed so that nine-stone members and 14-stone members aren’t eating the same amount. But meanwhile, I feel rather betrayed.

I know there’s a plan revamp coming in the US this week. If it’s ProPoints – and why wouldn’t it be – my advice to members, particularly those under 150lb, is be very, very careful, and don’t assume it’ll work.

Meanwhile I’m giving the plan one more week to come up with the goods. And then? I really don’t know…

Healthy You Challenge check-in: I gave up drinking for *this*?

Warning: this post contains some bad language and several instances of petulance.


Today did not begin well.


Today began, as usual, with the scales. The scales didn’t tell me anything I wanted to hear. The scales told me that I’ve gained 400g (that’s a pound, for the metrically-challenged amongst you) not just since last week, but since yesterday, bringing my weight back up to 68.2kg.


I should take that shiny “10kg lost” badge down, really.


This has been a shitty week stuck on another plateau, despite my sticking to my programme. Here are the calorie counts (and exercise) for the week:


Tuesday: 1,985 and an hour’s skiing
Wednesday: 598, half an hour on the Treadclimber, 45 minutes of weights/strength
Thursday: 1,786 and a Body Pump class
Friday: 502
Saturday: 1,646
Sunday: 1,018, 40 minutes of weights/strength and 12km on the treadmill for a total of about 900 calories (Yes, 1,000 is not 500, but this is not a one-pound-gain-level fuck-up)
Monday: 1,786

I’m really at a serious loss to figure out how that translates into this:


Tuesday: 67.8
Wednesday: 68.2

Thursday: 68.0
Friday: 68.2
Saturday: 67.9
Sunday: 67.9
Monday: 67.8
Today: 68.2


I do not believe this to be the result of my body going into starvation mode. Anything I’ve ever read about this phenomenon suggests that it won’t kick in till you get below 1,000 kcal a day, and last week I averaged about 1,330. Given that my RMR is only in the region of 1,600 that’s not that low. And the whole point of the alternate-day thing is that your body isn’t supposed to notice that you’re not eating much.


Well, mine certainly hasn’t noticed.


It’s not muscle. The scales measure body composition and that has not changed. I suppose it’s probably water, but really, I am so over this shit. I am so over the stupid crap my body likes to pull where I have to struggle and struggle and suffer to lose one ^&*$”@# pound that I can then put on again by looking at food. I appreciate that I should be focusing on the health benefits of being more active, but to be honest right now they’re not massively in evidence: I don’t really feel any fitter; I still sleep appallingly; my skin’s still crap; I’m still permanently stressed and exhausted (thanks work!) - the weight loss was really the only result I was seeing. So I’m into the weight loss; so I like to see the scale going down: does that make me a bad, an immature, a less complete person? Does it bollocks.


I’m going on holiday in two and a half weeks. I wanted to get to 65kg by then. On the 2nd of January that looked like a sensible goal. Even last week it seemed perfectly achievable. But thanks to this random, apparently groundless regain it’s not going to happen. And that makes me want to kick things, scream and punch the wall. Perhaps that makes me a bad, immature person.

I know I’m supposed to love my body. I know I’m supposed to respect it for what it can do and not beat it up for what it can’t, but there isn’t much it can do. It’s clumsy and malcoordinated. It can’t even run 5K. All it appears to be good at is taking non-existent calories and converting them into all-too-existent fat. Compare that to my mind, and it’s not hard to see why I think of my body as the weak link in this particular chain. I try to treat it well: I give it the right quantity of food and make sure it gets plenty of exercise and enough sleep... and this is how it repays me? I gave up drinking for this?

I don’t really know where to go from here. Giving up obviously isn’t an option. I could try changing to another programme, but nothing else I’ve tried has worked even this well. The idea of going to a WeightWatchers meeting sets my teeth on edge, and I don’t think that doing the programme alone would work any better than plain calorie restriction. The GI diet and similar programmes which rely on your being able to judge satiety also won’t work – I’m perfectly capable of getting fat on low-GI foods because I’m still learning about portion control. I suppose I’ll continue with ADF, because the only alternative I can see is going back to where I was, and that appeals even less. But it does feel as if I’m having to fight very hard just to stay still.


So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.